If you have watched interviews with successful people, or read books and posts about success habits, you will have noticed that one frequently mentioned skill is meditation. Have you tried it yet? The first time I tried to meditate was as a teenager. Now, over twenty years later, I finally have a meditation habit I enjoy and I figured out why it took me so long to get here.
When I first learned about meditation I completely misunderstood what it was and what it was for. I thought of it as a habit to achieve a certain goal, like writing a thousand words a day until you finish a novel. Then start on the next one. But meditation does not lead to a goal, not even enlightenment. It’s an exercise for your brain that allows you to practise three key skills: detachment, letting go and focus.
Exercise for the brain
Meditation does lead to a specific outcome when you practise regularly. Runners put one foot in front of the other, not to get to a point, but to run. We always return home at the end anyway. And when you build up muscles, you repeat the same exercises. You only move on to (heavier) weights when your sets feel too easy.
Sure, some people run marathons and want to shape their muscles into a specific look. Just like some people want an overall calmer life or spiritual enlightenment. But in both cases the daily exercises that get them there are repetitive and need to be done for their own sake.
Understanding has two parts. On the one hand, there is intellectual understanding of an idea or a concept. On the other hand, there is embodying and living those ideas and concepts through our actions, thoughts and decisions. True understanding happens when we no longer need to consciously perform a skill. Meditation leads to true understanding of three skills: detachment, letting go, and focus.
The skills you practise
1. Detachment
“I think, therefore I am.” That’s a famous quote by Descartes, a French Philosopher from the 17th century. He also came up with the idea that the mind and body are separate. To him, the mind is the important bit and it has to master the body, which is the animal part, irrational and out of control. Emotions are associated with the body and therefore also need to be tamed or mastered or whatever.
We already know that Descartes was wrong. Mind and body are intricately connected in complex feedback loops that either keep us healthy and happy, or sick and miserable. Also, maybe it’s time we stop basing our world views on ideas by a dead white dude from the 17th century. Why? Because thanks to Descartes’ famous quote most of us either over-identify with the mind or the body. We believe we are either our thoughts or our emotions.
But the true self is neither. Detachment is the realisation that there is a third part that is neither your thoughts, which are mostly automatic and repetitive, nor your emotions, which often turn into habits. Understanding this concept and agreeing with it is great because it’s freeing. Since I am neither my fear nor my worries, I can take a step back and make decisions independent of my emotions and thoughts.
Sounds great, but understanding and living a new truth are two separate skills. That’s where meditation comes in. During meditation we develop the ability to sit with our thoughts and emotions. We watch both without reacting and practise detaching our true self from both so we can stay calm no matter what is happening in the body and the mind.
2. Letting go
When we watch our thoughts and emotions with detachment, we practise letting both go. How do we do that? We stop paying attention to them. In theory this sounds incredibly simple and meditation turns the theory into practice. Our thoughts flit through our heads at incredible speeds so as long as we don’t hold on to them they disappear by themselves. Emotions only last 2 minutes and if we take the time to feel them and then move on, that’s it. That’s why it’s called letting go: as long as you don’t hold on to your thoughts and emotions they will vanish by themselves.
But some thoughts and emotions are so familiar, and by that I mean practised, that we often even believe in them as the truth. They come up repeatedly. If they are thoughts and emotions we do not like, we might try to suppress them, which always makes matters worse.
Letting go is not saying no to a thought or an emotion because by saying no, you still pay attention to it. Letting go means not clinging. It means unlearning habits of thought. Since we cannot stop thinking and feeling, meditation teaches us to let go by shifting our focus.
3. Focus
One of the points I misunderstood for the longest time, was that meditation was supposed to get rid of all thought. That is impossible. We always think. Our brains are like our hearts. They function all the time. Something is always going on. And that’s alright because it’s meant to be that way!
When we learn how to focus our thoughts, which just means being able to choose what you think about, our lives become a lot easier. Focusing is a skill and like any other it needs to be honed over time. During meditation we shift our focus to a specific object of attention, like a repetitive sound, the breath or a mantra. Every time a thought or emotion comes up, we deliberately focus That’s how we practise focusing as a skill.
A successful meditation
Our minds are fast. In today’s societies with our 8-hour workdays we believe that we should be able to focus for hours on one task. That’s ridiculous. In reality, focus means refocus. Procrastination and “getting distracted” is your brain taking a focus break. The same happens in meditation. It’s perfectly normal that thoughts and emotions come up the entire time.
The practise is to notice them, let go and focus on whatever you chose as your object of meditation. Again and again and again. Every day. A successful meditation is not the absence of thoughts and emotions. It’s that you keep letting go and refocus. Even if you manage to only refocus your thoughts once during fifteen minutes, that’s already a successful meditation. Success means staying with your training, avoiding frustration on off days, which we all have, and coming back the next day.
Variety is the spice of life
I also used to think meditation was not for me because I believed it had to be done a certain way. I had figured out some time ago that my brain was different, so I took solace in that explanation. It turns out, that there are a lot of different kinds of meditations and eventually, I found a guided meditation that worked for me.
Meditation is like exercise. Some people enjoy swimming, others run or do Yoga. Some people like guided meditations, others prefer focusing on a sound or gaze at an image. Meditation is good for everyone as long as we practise in the form that’s easiest and most fun for us.
Your favourite meditation techniques
Make it easy on yourself! Meditation is a practise and the aim is to do it every day. Even if you also want a calmer life and/or spiritual enlightenment, you deserve to have a good time while you get there, because how exactly you practise meditation does not actually matter.
I have different techniques I use. Some days I focus on a sound. Other days I find a guided meditation much easier. It’s all good because I still practise detachment, letting go and refocusing no matter which technique I am using. And it works. I am calmer, my breath flows more easily, and I feel grounded.
There’s a reason why meditation is celebrated as a key skill. It really can change your life once you understand that it’s an exercise for the brain. Detaching, letting go and refocusing every day takes us out of the loop of repetitive thoughts and emotions. We are no longer reactive and can think clearly. By practising meditation, you free yourself. Bit by bit, day by day.